Today I got a vasectomy. [EDIT: Actually yesterday since this will post Wednesday]. Yep, my balls are tender and I’m wearing supportive underwear while I relax on the couch.
Both Holly and I both have two siblings, and we knew we wanted at least a couple kids well before we got married, and knew we wanted them with each other. That whole romantic comedy cliched line of “wanting her to be the mother of my children” absolutely ran through my head when we were dating. I don’t recall when we discussed an exact number of kids but it became apparent at some point (probably after we were married) that in my mind two was the ideal number and Holly always envisioned three. In my fairy-tale version, we would have twins: one boy and one girl, and felt that was a real possibility since twins run straight down the trunk of Holly’s family tree. In reality, we first had a healthy baby girl. When she got pregnant the second time, again we thought twins might be a possibility and we’d end up with three kids, but instead had a boy who was full of energy from womb through childhood.
After LoudBoy was born, we didn’t really talk too much about having a third except that I didn’t think it was a good idea. Having two kids was hard enough, and LoudBoy was a tough baby. For the moms out there, while the joy of birth and infancy are not lost on us dads, it’s not a favorite time in our lives, that’s for sure. The first year of life for both our kids were probably the two hardest (or at least frustrating) years of my life. You have someone so dependent on you and you’re not always sure how to give them what they need. Anyways, during this time I would say my rationale towards a third child was partly logical related to resources, which I’ll discuss in a minute, and probably somewhat unconsciously not wanting to tip the scales in my marriage. As I mentioned before, in my mind’s eye something was a little off in our marriage and while I couldn’t put my finger on it, felt the structure needed improvement and was a much higher priority than bringing another child into the world in the place we were in.
Since that point, I think we’ve really hit our stride as a couple and family and things have been structurally sound. Five years after our last child we’re in the midst of living like a picture of the American family. Our priorities are to raise our children in a stable and happy home and give them the advantages that Holly and I never had. We’ve both had to fight for everything we’ve gotten in life and are still dealing with the financial aspects (e.g. student loans) of those struggles. For me, adding another child into the mix would be a surprise addition that I’m absolutely sure we’d love, but would tilt things away from our current children which is something I didn’t want to do. Additionally it would impact our financial goals both current and future. While Holly was still held out a little hope that we’d have a third, I closed that window with my vasectomy.
We make beautiful babies, as LoudBoy and Birdsnest can attest to, and knowing that they won’t be getting any more brothers or sisters puts a “FINAL” stamp on our family moving forward. Both the ease of other birth control and the permanency of such a surgery were both factors in delaying the vasectomy decision. The reality of the situation is that we are both nearing our late 30’s, maintaining or building on careers and juggling two active school-agers their activities and parenting. It takes A LOT of resources to raise a child in today’s era. Financial resources would have been fine, but juggling the balance of living for today, retirement and likely college for another child would have resulted in sacrifices for at least one of the three legs of the financial table. The larger resource would be the time to raise a new baby and the potential sacrifices LoudBoy and Birdsnest could have felt from the change in allocation of the love/time resource necessary to devote to a new born. Both kids are starting to get into activities and we want to make sure we give them the full attention and support as they grow up. That was the framework of our decision.
For me, it still wasn’t an easy decision. Men are designed to spread their seed in as many fertile grounds as possible, and sterilization puts this part to bed which goes against biology. Additionally, I had to make sure that should anything happen to Holly (death, divorce) I was comfortable not having any other kids with another woman, which I was. I hated the other birth control options and if we weren’t having any other kids a vasectomy made the most sense. I believe hormonal birth control has a lot of impacts to women that frequently go unspoken and felt it was important to take those out of the mix in our life. For my wife, the permanence of no more children was a little sad, no matter if the decision was right or not. Like me, she’s designed to procreate and create children and I’m know there was a little grieving at closing this door.
However, the decision was made and I trucked ahead. In preparation of the procedure I had to refrain from taking aspirin and other anti-inflammatory drugs for a week, shave my sack and simply show up. Despite the “ease” of the procedure, and the reassurance that nothing would change in my physical body or testosterone production or all that jazz, I was still nervous. Sites like If It Works Don’t Fix It and Athol Kay’s general negatives towards Vasectomy didn’t help my state of mind. However, talking with other men who’ve had the procedure and doing other independent research, this was the best birth control for us with the least amount of side effects.
After checking in, the nurse weighed me, brought me to the procedure room and did all the nursing stuff (blood pressure, forms, prescription for pain killers, bottles for semen deposits later, instructions). Asked me to get undressed from the waist down, sat me on essentially a large sanitary napkin on the exam table where I was covered with a paper sheet and put on some music as I waited for the Dr. Let the fun begin!
TO BE CONTINUED… in Part 2
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